My brain and body are doing their best to maintain my desired forward motion, and are getting a solid three stars out of five for allowing me to show up for necessary life things. Facetime appointments, work, emails, half of the necessary dog walks and grocery shopping. Everything else… “non-crucial” is in breakdown mode.
I have been talking with a bunch of people online about momentum, creativity and staying inspired. Let’s touch base on the ebb of that experience.
There is clutter on my desk. There are two loads of laundry on the top shelf of my closet. There are clothes on hooks everywhere. Paperwork is piled semi neatly on bookshelves, and I DID manage to pick up the trash out front, but could NOT CONVINCE MYSELF to go get the shopvac to actually siphon out the old cat food FROM the outside trunk I planned on bringing INSIDE today with my roommate’s help.
We were going to put wood in the trunk. We will put wood in the trunk. However, that day is not today. That moment is not this moment.
I moved all the most relevant items out of the spare bedroom. Into the hallway. So those are there… blocking my flow. I swept the floor. And couldn’t be bothered to go get a dust pan from downstairs, to pick up the interesting conglomerate dust pile. However, I did notice the amount of spider eggs/bodies in the piles. A clean person type of roommate will rid this place of the spiders I bet. Or at least the webs.
M, my roommate, is taking down the webs as we speak. I washed down the kitchen window sill, but left it all scooped into a pile in the middle of the sill, with the perfect specimen of a dead bee, just lying there. That, is not like me at all.
Dead bees go into small glass bottles. For jewelry/charm/talisman/spell rituals, not just lying on the counter where their wings could get damaged.
Talk about depressed. I am pushing and pushing and pushing, when really I need to ebb. I need to allow my eddies to cascade into the hole, so I can fill myself back up from this. I cooked this morning- and have been cooking something at least once every single day- but my stomach hurts to much to eat it. All of this is telling me a truth.
We’re in this together. “We are the flow, we are the ebb. We are the weavers, we are the web.”
This too, shall change. There is much to be learned in laying back across my bed, taking down my hair, and resting. I can sleep, or eat. I can be useful or not, I can be whatever I need to be.
This is the Great Pause. My body knows that. I’ve been sick and fighting off a cold. Pushing forward right now, is the wrong choice- but I don’t yet know how to do or be anything else. I will learn.
Being depressed right now is ok. Feeling how I feel is ok. The best way out is through.
I made the choice this morning to share one of these blogs with my longest bestie, Nora, with the frustration that I know, I am usually quite funny.
Right now, I feel very NOT FUNNY. In fact, I may be anti-funny, utterly self involved and barely making my feet shuffle across our hardwood floors in my blue grandma slippers.
I’m getting there. Wherever there is.
For lunch today, I ate old salsa, and old stale Tostito chips, that only had a few pantry month larva in them. (I just removed them and set them aside, brushing off their tiny little egg dots, and then composting any of the really gross pieces.)
See? I’m depressed enough not to care about the potential of eating pantry moth Larva. Which, actually thinking about who I am, isn’t that different from purposeful me. (Note: we may need to blame this exact crew of pantry moths on my mother, the ultimate pantry prepper.)
Poor Nora, once got fed an entire bowl of dead pantry moth Larva, mixed in, with our Mac and cheese. You know why? Because we were broke college students. You know how far into that bowl we got before realizing it had maggot looking dead bugs in it? Most of the way thru. After that experience, eating around bugs is no biggie. (This is the part of the blog where you either dig in your heels and keep on, or you tap the fuck out knowing that I am way more disgusting than you, because I will wear dead bugs- and I will EAT THEM.)
Back to the cobwebs. Ya know, I am shorter than my roommate, and we both, are utter absent minded professor types. When I want to deep clean, I take three days off of work, call in reinforcements, and I donate the fuck out of all the furniture in my house. However, I have just repeatedly purged. Right now, I am not allowed to donate anything, nor do I think Goodwill is actually open.
The house has enough room for me AND another human to act out a musical dance scene, and I kinda need to keep my couch.
But, also, and. We have Roommate Reviews this week. So, cleaning must occur, accomplishments must happen, and floors must be swept. Ick. I am doing it. But I still don’t actually want a roommate. Unless they are UTTERLY AWESOME. I am a sucker for UTTERLY AWESOME the same way I’m a sucker for tea and old dogs.
Now, I must sleep. Because Fuck all the things, I am tired today.